White Mice: A Historical Perspective

Recently, I was called upon to provide advice to a young man in dire straits. The decision that lay before him - which rodent pet should he buy? Which pet, the child implored, is the BEST pet? Naturally, my advice was that he purchase the penultimate rodent pet, the clever and intrepid white mouse (pictured below).


Famed white mouse inventor Cecil P. Whiskersley
on his way to work.

While to the informed reader, my suggestion may seem the natural one, such a reader might be surprised to learn that there was some dissent from my well-meaning but misguided co-writers. Ashley, in most cases a bastion of good sense, opined that the young man should purchase a guinea pig. Lulu put forward the even more preposterous idea that a white RAT was the direction he should go.


Artists rendering of what a guinea pig (top) and white rat (bottom) might look like
Sheer babblemouthed idiocy, I know. But for those drooling few who may remain unconvinced, here are some pertinent facts about the brave white mouse throughout history.

• Dr. Martin Luthor King Jr's childhood dream was to become a transgendered pop singer. It was only through the rapid action and sound advice of his pet, noted white mouse "Rascally" Rosco Jimmiwinks, that his mind was changed and civil liberties not set back another hundred thousand years.
  
  
• The first edition of Nostradamus' The Prophecies contained a reference to a white mouse that would be born in the year 2034, and who would be responsible for the defeat of the Zarphlons at the Battle of Lunar Base 5, which would prove to be the turning point in the war. The prophecy was removed in later editions for being too accurate.
  
  
• On the Sushruta Scale for measuring nose cuteness, white mice are ranked above both interracial babies and sneezing puppies. Guinea pigs hold a respectable position, but scientists are still waiting for the invention of a number low enough to place rats on the list.
  
  
• Children who have white mice as pets are 200% more likely to get to eat cookies for dinner! Children with guinea pigs get only gruel.
  
  
• Vladmir Putin have never successfully hunted the white mouse.

Next time on Time Gun: Time Guns!